Friday, February 24, 2012
Monday, November 28, 2011
Perspective
This is a long overdue post, but it happened right before my birthday and with Thanksgiving right after I've been rather busy, not to mention the craze that is the holiday season at work.
On November 15th I received an email from Robert, in which he expressed a strong need of wanting to talk to me. From the sound of the mail I assumed something may be wrong, but wasn't sure at all what to expect, but because of the kindness he has shown me before when I was in need and because I do care about him, I have agreed to a face to face meeting. We met up at the church's parking lot by my complex and he asked me just listen to him. He first started out with a story about a woman he's talking to. She's clearly troubled in his opinion and he defined with clear details her cycles and bad decisions. Then he changed to himself, abandonment issues and the origin of it, and the commitment he has made to his recovery. Then lastly I became the subject, where he expressed his perspective of my situation, in a nutshell, red flags, some explained, a misunderstanding, explained, and some MOs, which were very true in my past, how I used to be.
I listened to everything with open mind and open heart, I could understand his reasoning, even though I know how I lived my life now, they didn't apply. But I really did understand him, and I have tried to communicate that. Unfortunately my words don't worth much, so me trying to explain my life now doesn't mean any proof to anything. And I don't see any possibility to Robert witness my everyday life. And when it was my turn, I expressed that in my opinion what he just did, giving me unsolicited "advice" is crossing boundary, both his and mine. Then before we parted he asked me what did I mean by saying that I'm afraid of him. Even though it got me emotional, and of course I was already effected by the conversation, I tried my best to explain to him. I'm not sure what he was expecting, but it seemed he was not able to accept my answer. I have walked away rather sad, thinking maybe it was wrong to meet.
The next day, as digesting started, it occurred to me, he mentioned that Sylvia may end up moving in my complex, as he asked me to let him know when I'm gone, I realized, I would like to have heads up about that too. I rather be prepared for the possibility of running into her. He agreed, with the extra information of trying to make this the last resort, without telling her why. I believe that is completely wrong, and I have expressed that with full explanation. Sylvia has the right to have full disclosure about this fact, she may not want to move here at all, figuring it out last minute may make her feel she's forced into a situation, running into me unprepared would for sure remind her of years of troubles that has effected Robert, her, and her kids, and may cause unnecessary conflict between them. In his reply he went off subject, suddenly talking about him and I crossing paths, which I found very odd, and I did say so, we have discussed the likelihood of that when he told me about the move. Then about an hour later I received this:
On November 15th I received an email from Robert, in which he expressed a strong need of wanting to talk to me. From the sound of the mail I assumed something may be wrong, but wasn't sure at all what to expect, but because of the kindness he has shown me before when I was in need and because I do care about him, I have agreed to a face to face meeting. We met up at the church's parking lot by my complex and he asked me just listen to him. He first started out with a story about a woman he's talking to. She's clearly troubled in his opinion and he defined with clear details her cycles and bad decisions. Then he changed to himself, abandonment issues and the origin of it, and the commitment he has made to his recovery. Then lastly I became the subject, where he expressed his perspective of my situation, in a nutshell, red flags, some explained, a misunderstanding, explained, and some MOs, which were very true in my past, how I used to be.
I listened to everything with open mind and open heart, I could understand his reasoning, even though I know how I lived my life now, they didn't apply. But I really did understand him, and I have tried to communicate that. Unfortunately my words don't worth much, so me trying to explain my life now doesn't mean any proof to anything. And I don't see any possibility to Robert witness my everyday life. And when it was my turn, I expressed that in my opinion what he just did, giving me unsolicited "advice" is crossing boundary, both his and mine. Then before we parted he asked me what did I mean by saying that I'm afraid of him. Even though it got me emotional, and of course I was already effected by the conversation, I tried my best to explain to him. I'm not sure what he was expecting, but it seemed he was not able to accept my answer. I have walked away rather sad, thinking maybe it was wrong to meet.
The next day, as digesting started, it occurred to me, he mentioned that Sylvia may end up moving in my complex, as he asked me to let him know when I'm gone, I realized, I would like to have heads up about that too. I rather be prepared for the possibility of running into her. He agreed, with the extra information of trying to make this the last resort, without telling her why. I believe that is completely wrong, and I have expressed that with full explanation. Sylvia has the right to have full disclosure about this fact, she may not want to move here at all, figuring it out last minute may make her feel she's forced into a situation, running into me unprepared would for sure remind her of years of troubles that has effected Robert, her, and her kids, and may cause unnecessary conflict between them. In his reply he went off subject, suddenly talking about him and I crossing paths, which I found very odd, and I did say so, we have discussed the likelihood of that when he told me about the move. Then about an hour later I received this:
"OK,
Here it is, I think. I realize that I gave you some power yesterday that I shouldn't have (asking you for something I knew you wouldn't give me). That was Coda of me and wrong. I know all I need to know about anything between us. I was overwhelmed by the "child of the crack whore" thing. And since then (yesterday) have suffered the consequences of MY behavior. So I should have answered the only question you asked and not put in that other stuff. I mismanaged my emotions and I apologize for that. Shouldn't have. There. 
No need for reply.... we're good now."
I have not replied. But I have been digesting it and I'm a bit confused, but I know that most likely I'm never going to be able to clear up this last confusion.
At first I thought that this was "simply" a relapse, he should have offered clearer explanation when asked to talk, but there I made a mistake too, I should have requested a clearer explanation myself. But it is a fact, he shouldn't try to give me his opinion, unless I've asked for it. But then I get the last email and I really wasn't sure what was Robert asking me for. The only straight question was why am I afraid of him? So questions pop up in my mind. Was the story of that woman suppose to be how he sees me? Was the part about the crack whore and child how he feels about me? Recalling our conversation again, there was nothing he asked me for that I wouldn't give. I don't see anything that was said clearly and directly to me to hold any requests. Then I look behind the stories, as they make sense to me, and I wonder again, was he asking me for time, or to stay? And as much as it's desirable for me to know those answers, I can't ask him. It is the same old feeling, not knowing exactly what he wants, what he means. For years, I've never bothered to ask him for clarification, now I can't. I will have to just leave it at what he told me, "No need for reply.... we're good now"
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Digesting
I got an email from my close friend/sponsor yesterday. My church is stopping their CR programming on Sunday nights, and start a new program on Wednesday nights, under their Grow U program, which is few different classes people attend. The decision was made by the lead pastor, the elders, the CR ministry leader and the leadership team together. The reasoning, well that is where I'm having mixed feelings. On one hand, I agree, it is important to provide a place to people, where they feel they can walk into without any fear, but changing programming because it's called "Recovery" just bothers me. The way she put it was: "To make a long story short, it has been decided to move CR into our grow U umbrella on Wednesday nights… it will look and feel much different than what we are used to but the decision was made by the CR ministry leader, the TEAM, the Lead Pastor and the elders… December 18th will be our last regular CR meeting…
We will have Journey CR (and others) to send people too if they are in need of the full programming. The CR ministry leader will have more information coming soon as to what the “healing tract” will look like on Wednesday nights. Our hearts are that people will walk into a class not branded by the word “Recovery”… this ministry has always been about helping the hurt and lost… and our prayer is that the people dealing with those types of issues will feel better about coming into a Wednesday class where so many are coming, as opposed to feeling the pressure to show up on a Sunday night and walking into a “recovery” meeting."
After I've read that, I was just confused, angry in a way. That place is really important to me, it brought me changes, gave me support in some of the most difficult time of my life. But then again, I know people are afraid of the word recovery, as at once I was one of them myself. Being so afraid of what others would say, or I would be judged. So I told her exactly that. I had the understanding for the need of healing, but I didn't like to see CR go, and the reasoning to me sounded almost hypocritical. And while I'd love to go to Journey CR, since there are people from this who go there too, I can't commit to there because it's in OP.
And then she wrote back today, and it said: " I do have to say that this decision was not made solely on the whole “recovery” label, but I do feel that not having that will be a huge blessing to those on Wednesday nights just because the people that will come to the healing classes have not stepped foot into our Sunday nights and part of that just could be because of the fear of what recovery means. There are so many other things that this change encompasses and I am just so blessed to be a part of what God is doing. I am thankful there are still so many other CRs out there and I have no doubt those of us who need a CR home will find the one God wants us in. I am looking forward to taking some time off and getting involved in some of our other church ministry opportunities, or however God sees fit to use me. I think so many of us feel that way." So that just put me in the limbo again. I suddenly recalled that when I started to attend CR 3.5 years ago how there used to be lot more people coming there, and as time went by, leadership has changed, and the number of people started to drop. Last Sunday I did make a mental note, that there was not many in the room. I believe there has to be financial reasons behind it as well, although the only person gets paid by the church is the Ministry Leader, who is employed by the church, still the electricity, the printing of bulletins, some free coffee, that all costs money, and the less amount of people goes, the less chance is for people to donate. Attaching a similar program to a night when the property or the rooms are already in use would save some money, and if it would attract more people on a Wednesday night, without the "Recover" label, then it is more chance to let God's work take effect in people's life.
That helped me to make a better decision. Till December I will attend on Sundays, I also want to seek Regina out, what are her plans, then I may just check out the new classes, and/or find another CR somewhere close.
That helped me to make a better decision. Till December I will attend on Sundays, I also want to seek Regina out, what are her plans, then I may just check out the new classes, and/or find another CR somewhere close.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Long, twining road
I got so many things going on in my head. Been wanting to get it out, but I get such block at times in my head. These are though way important things and thoughts, and I need to remember.
This relationship I'm in, turning into such a learning, and I feel so blessed, so grateful to be able to apply many things I've learned the past 5 years.
I know Terry since I've been working at my current job. He's working at regional level, so it is not every day that I see him at my store. There has always been an attraction, and there was what others would call some innocent flirting, but the ones who know me, would know what that meant to me. In that cycle I've asked him 2010 summer if he wanted to hang out sometimes when he was in town, he agreed but there was no plans made that time. Few months later in the fall, on his next visit, I've informed him that I've talked to fast, I'm not ready to get to know anyone. Of course I left the door an inch open, with asking him if he wanted me to let him know when that time comes around, and he said yes. It was that night, that after work we talked for almost an hour, not flirting, but work, life, other things. If I look back now, I believe the ability that we have till today, just being able to talk about anything for hours, was showing some then.
The next time I've heard from him was Valentine's Day. Out of the blue, he gave me a call, using the reason for our Store Leader being fired, to see how things are going, if I was doing OK, and to see if I was still single, he asked if I wanted to have dinner next time he was in town. I said yes. In the next 2 weeks, I had few days I've considered to tell Terry next time I was to see him (I had no information on when that would be), lets stop whatever is going or not going on, and just move on. He showed up at the beginning of March, he had waited to catch me alone, asked me what time I was getting off, and after I answered he told me that were were going to have dinner after work. The fact that he wasn't asking me, but rather told me pushed my buttons at the right way, it was very appealing to me and I agreed to a date.
So we went out that night and we had a excellent 1st date. There was plenty talking, good food, karaoke and lots of laughing. I don't know where did I get the guts from, but I've started to lay out the foundation to "who I really am". Lightly, as we were going back and forth about ourselves, I started to talk about my church and their purpose, and to my surprise he was not unfamiliar with what I was talking about. It made me feel a bit safer around him. Probably why I've taken the risk to stop at his hotel room on the way back to drop me off, while nothing happened, that was not wise. So he picked me up at the bank by my house, but I let him to walk me to my door at the end of the date. I believe he wanted to give me a kiss good bye, but I just thanked him for the date, and gave him a hug good bye. Now, 8 months later, I clearly see all the wrongs that were going on, and I have disclosed all of them to him.
After he left the next day, we kept in touch on the phone. I had planned to take few days off at the end of March, and he asked me if I wanted to come visit him. I originally have different plans, but since that changed, we made new plans. Everything was ready for the trip, when few days before my departure he called me and told me he can't let me to come. It was a bring me down to earth type of experience for me. I've learned things about him I've not known or known otherwise before, and I felt again those old emotions of not being good enough, but he did explain what was what and why did he do or say some things, he declared responsibility and he respectfully asked for time to make things right. That kicked me in the nuts too. I have realized there, that he's hurt just as much as I am, and I just mean just at the moment. I realized I need some time to think things through as well, what I've already known about him told me not to let go, but rather right my wrongs. I needed to do it right.
So a week went by without any communication, I've spent time each day to write things down. I needed to get out how I was feeling, because my emotions can play tricks on me big time. But after the week I had to say something. I was scared, unsure, felt vulnerable and afraid of another rejection. I sent a text message "Do I have to make an appointment?" His response was kind and warm. And he called me that night, we had another long conversation, we cleared up things, draw boundaries and agreed to honesty and openness as we go along.
So the past 8 months we have been maintaining our relationship long distance. It sure had its challenges. We've seen each other about 6 times, but that included 2 amazing trip to Key West, and the time we were forced to talk helped with developing a strong mental and emotional connection, also took the pressure of sexuality away for a while.
As time went by we decided that I'm going to move when my lease is up in December. October rolled in and I knew I had to make corrections to Robert before I left. I did not want to leave the door open, neither close it by force, wanted to do that right too. I wrote what I had to, but I was sitting on it for a while, debating when would be the best time to send. Then one night I just hit send and that started communication, which lasted for about 2 weeks long. That communication took toll on me physically as well as emotionally. It was important, I believe it ended positively too, but seeing Robert turning into the man I pictured him to be so long ago was very moving, and I struggled with the idea of turning my back on everything and partner up with him. That would not have been right. Not only I have made a commitment elsewhere, but there's no guarantee for anything with him. I distrust him with myself just as much as he distrusts me. And I can't be surprised for the situation, we both made our beds with one another.
During this communication, I've distanced myself from Terry, he still witnessed the effects. We had a little episode, which we did discuss and figured out what's what, and that opened my eyes, there are issues he didn't deal with and they have to be taken care of, or I can't move. But so eye opening, my picker does go for the co-dependent men, he may be not as severe as Robert, but he sure is. Because of what I've been dealing with, and how I came through, he decided to start CR in his town, and he felt at home, already started a step study, and very excited about it. I'm glad that we decided together, this is not the right time to move. I've signed another lease, I keep doing my program, and with transparency from each end, we will see where this road will take us.
This past month really brought some lessons home. I started out on the wrong foot with Terry, but I came clean about it and we're trying to correct the foundation, so what we're building will be strong. An addict and a co-dependent, the 2 side of the coin, they can make an awesome whole, as long as they BOTH work, separately and together. Maybe I was put in his life to show how to get rid of old hurts, habits and hung ups. Also, on the personal level, there's only room for 1 man in my life. If I make a commitment one way, I can't even think of another one, unless the 1st one is cleared 100% off my plate.
This relationship I'm in, turning into such a learning, and I feel so blessed, so grateful to be able to apply many things I've learned the past 5 years.
I know Terry since I've been working at my current job. He's working at regional level, so it is not every day that I see him at my store. There has always been an attraction, and there was what others would call some innocent flirting, but the ones who know me, would know what that meant to me. In that cycle I've asked him 2010 summer if he wanted to hang out sometimes when he was in town, he agreed but there was no plans made that time. Few months later in the fall, on his next visit, I've informed him that I've talked to fast, I'm not ready to get to know anyone. Of course I left the door an inch open, with asking him if he wanted me to let him know when that time comes around, and he said yes. It was that night, that after work we talked for almost an hour, not flirting, but work, life, other things. If I look back now, I believe the ability that we have till today, just being able to talk about anything for hours, was showing some then.
The next time I've heard from him was Valentine's Day. Out of the blue, he gave me a call, using the reason for our Store Leader being fired, to see how things are going, if I was doing OK, and to see if I was still single, he asked if I wanted to have dinner next time he was in town. I said yes. In the next 2 weeks, I had few days I've considered to tell Terry next time I was to see him (I had no information on when that would be), lets stop whatever is going or not going on, and just move on. He showed up at the beginning of March, he had waited to catch me alone, asked me what time I was getting off, and after I answered he told me that were were going to have dinner after work. The fact that he wasn't asking me, but rather told me pushed my buttons at the right way, it was very appealing to me and I agreed to a date.
So we went out that night and we had a excellent 1st date. There was plenty talking, good food, karaoke and lots of laughing. I don't know where did I get the guts from, but I've started to lay out the foundation to "who I really am". Lightly, as we were going back and forth about ourselves, I started to talk about my church and their purpose, and to my surprise he was not unfamiliar with what I was talking about. It made me feel a bit safer around him. Probably why I've taken the risk to stop at his hotel room on the way back to drop me off, while nothing happened, that was not wise. So he picked me up at the bank by my house, but I let him to walk me to my door at the end of the date. I believe he wanted to give me a kiss good bye, but I just thanked him for the date, and gave him a hug good bye. Now, 8 months later, I clearly see all the wrongs that were going on, and I have disclosed all of them to him.
After he left the next day, we kept in touch on the phone. I had planned to take few days off at the end of March, and he asked me if I wanted to come visit him. I originally have different plans, but since that changed, we made new plans. Everything was ready for the trip, when few days before my departure he called me and told me he can't let me to come. It was a bring me down to earth type of experience for me. I've learned things about him I've not known or known otherwise before, and I felt again those old emotions of not being good enough, but he did explain what was what and why did he do or say some things, he declared responsibility and he respectfully asked for time to make things right. That kicked me in the nuts too. I have realized there, that he's hurt just as much as I am, and I just mean just at the moment. I realized I need some time to think things through as well, what I've already known about him told me not to let go, but rather right my wrongs. I needed to do it right.
So a week went by without any communication, I've spent time each day to write things down. I needed to get out how I was feeling, because my emotions can play tricks on me big time. But after the week I had to say something. I was scared, unsure, felt vulnerable and afraid of another rejection. I sent a text message "Do I have to make an appointment?" His response was kind and warm. And he called me that night, we had another long conversation, we cleared up things, draw boundaries and agreed to honesty and openness as we go along.
So the past 8 months we have been maintaining our relationship long distance. It sure had its challenges. We've seen each other about 6 times, but that included 2 amazing trip to Key West, and the time we were forced to talk helped with developing a strong mental and emotional connection, also took the pressure of sexuality away for a while.
As time went by we decided that I'm going to move when my lease is up in December. October rolled in and I knew I had to make corrections to Robert before I left. I did not want to leave the door open, neither close it by force, wanted to do that right too. I wrote what I had to, but I was sitting on it for a while, debating when would be the best time to send. Then one night I just hit send and that started communication, which lasted for about 2 weeks long. That communication took toll on me physically as well as emotionally. It was important, I believe it ended positively too, but seeing Robert turning into the man I pictured him to be so long ago was very moving, and I struggled with the idea of turning my back on everything and partner up with him. That would not have been right. Not only I have made a commitment elsewhere, but there's no guarantee for anything with him. I distrust him with myself just as much as he distrusts me. And I can't be surprised for the situation, we both made our beds with one another.
During this communication, I've distanced myself from Terry, he still witnessed the effects. We had a little episode, which we did discuss and figured out what's what, and that opened my eyes, there are issues he didn't deal with and they have to be taken care of, or I can't move. But so eye opening, my picker does go for the co-dependent men, he may be not as severe as Robert, but he sure is. Because of what I've been dealing with, and how I came through, he decided to start CR in his town, and he felt at home, already started a step study, and very excited about it. I'm glad that we decided together, this is not the right time to move. I've signed another lease, I keep doing my program, and with transparency from each end, we will see where this road will take us.
This past month really brought some lessons home. I started out on the wrong foot with Terry, but I came clean about it and we're trying to correct the foundation, so what we're building will be strong. An addict and a co-dependent, the 2 side of the coin, they can make an awesome whole, as long as they BOTH work, separately and together. Maybe I was put in his life to show how to get rid of old hurts, habits and hung ups. Also, on the personal level, there's only room for 1 man in my life. If I make a commitment one way, I can't even think of another one, unless the 1st one is cleared 100% off my plate.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Keep going
There was a dream last night as well, but I can't remember.
Friday is getting closer, and I have Robert on my mind often. But I can't talk to him. I wish him well, praying for him each morning, and still being bittersweet about not being able to show the growth, the changes, the happiness. So I'm OK with that. I think I need to write the letter. Marica reminded me Sunday night at Celebrate Recovery. In her AA group she had the Daddy letter assignment to write, and as she was sharing, I recalled mine, and it gave me the I should write one to Robert. As I made mine correction and we finally seem to be on the same page in areas, I should write that one, wrap it all up letter. I'll see.
Friday is getting closer, and I have Robert on my mind often. But I can't talk to him. I wish him well, praying for him each morning, and still being bittersweet about not being able to show the growth, the changes, the happiness. So I'm OK with that. I think I need to write the letter. Marica reminded me Sunday night at Celebrate Recovery. In her AA group she had the Daddy letter assignment to write, and as she was sharing, I recalled mine, and it gave me the I should write one to Robert. As I made mine correction and we finally seem to be on the same page in areas, I should write that one, wrap it all up letter. I'll see.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Staring back
I've not been journaling much lately. I'm not too good at writing and it is hard for me at times to put the words together with the intentions of truly reflect emotions or thoughts. But this morning I woke up after a rather disturbing dream.
I am an emotion driven person and I've learned long time ago to try my best not to act on my emotions. I'm not sure if part of Desperate Housewives prompted my dream, but I was in a situation of being with one parent and one step parent. Can't recall details, but what is sure, I felt insignificant, someone who doesn't matter in my dream, and in my quest to get attention I was acting stupid. I have acted like that in most of my real life, specially growing up, and it took me years to find my way out from the turmoil I've created. But right now, I just need to get that dream out, I need to remember, the past weeks were emotionally charged and I'm still working through that, so this is just residue, I'm OK, and I do not have to act on any of those emotions, because they are not real.
I am an emotion driven person and I've learned long time ago to try my best not to act on my emotions. I'm not sure if part of Desperate Housewives prompted my dream, but I was in a situation of being with one parent and one step parent. Can't recall details, but what is sure, I felt insignificant, someone who doesn't matter in my dream, and in my quest to get attention I was acting stupid. I have acted like that in most of my real life, specially growing up, and it took me years to find my way out from the turmoil I've created. But right now, I just need to get that dream out, I need to remember, the past weeks were emotionally charged and I'm still working through that, so this is just residue, I'm OK, and I do not have to act on any of those emotions, because they are not real.
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