I got so many things going on in my head. Been wanting to get it out, but I get such block at times in my head. These are though way important things and thoughts, and I need to remember.
This relationship I'm in, turning into such a learning, and I feel so blessed, so grateful to be able to apply many things I've learned the past 5 years.
I know Terry since I've been working at my current job. He's working at regional level, so it is not every day that I see him at my store. There has always been an attraction, and there was what others would call some innocent flirting, but the ones who know me, would know what that meant to me. In that cycle I've asked him 2010 summer if he wanted to hang out sometimes when he was in town, he agreed but there was no plans made that time. Few months later in the fall, on his next visit, I've informed him that I've talked to fast, I'm not ready to get to know anyone. Of course I left the door an inch open, with asking him if he wanted me to let him know when that time comes around, and he said yes. It was that night, that after work we talked for almost an hour, not flirting, but work, life, other things. If I look back now, I believe the ability that we have till today, just being able to talk about anything for hours, was showing some then.
The next time I've heard from him was Valentine's Day. Out of the blue, he gave me a call, using the reason for our Store Leader being fired, to see how things are going, if I was doing OK, and to see if I was still single, he asked if I wanted to have dinner next time he was in town. I said yes. In the next 2 weeks, I had few days I've considered to tell Terry next time I was to see him (I had no information on when that would be), lets stop whatever is going or not going on, and just move on. He showed up at the beginning of March, he had waited to catch me alone, asked me what time I was getting off, and after I answered he told me that were were going to have dinner after work. The fact that he wasn't asking me, but rather told me pushed my buttons at the right way, it was very appealing to me and I agreed to a date.
So we went out that night and we had a excellent 1st date. There was plenty talking, good food, karaoke and lots of laughing. I don't know where did I get the guts from, but I've started to lay out the foundation to "who I really am". Lightly, as we were going back and forth about ourselves, I started to talk about my church and their purpose, and to my surprise he was not unfamiliar with what I was talking about. It made me feel a bit safer around him. Probably why I've taken the risk to stop at his hotel room on the way back to drop me off, while nothing happened, that was not wise. So he picked me up at the bank by my house, but I let him to walk me to my door at the end of the date. I believe he wanted to give me a kiss good bye, but I just thanked him for the date, and gave him a hug good bye. Now, 8 months later, I clearly see all the wrongs that were going on, and I have disclosed all of them to him.
After he left the next day, we kept in touch on the phone. I had planned to take few days off at the end of March, and he asked me if I wanted to come visit him. I originally have different plans, but since that changed, we made new plans. Everything was ready for the trip, when few days before my departure he called me and told me he can't let me to come. It was a bring me down to earth type of experience for me. I've learned things about him I've not known or known otherwise before, and I felt again those old emotions of not being good enough, but he did explain what was what and why did he do or say some things, he declared responsibility and he respectfully asked for time to make things right. That kicked me in the nuts too. I have realized there, that he's hurt just as much as I am, and I just mean just at the moment. I realized I need some time to think things through as well, what I've already known about him told me not to let go, but rather right my wrongs. I needed to do it right.
So a week went by without any communication, I've spent time each day to write things down. I needed to get out how I was feeling, because my emotions can play tricks on me big time. But after the week I had to say something. I was scared, unsure, felt vulnerable and afraid of another rejection. I sent a text message "Do I have to make an appointment?" His response was kind and warm. And he called me that night, we had another long conversation, we cleared up things, draw boundaries and agreed to honesty and openness as we go along.
So the past 8 months we have been maintaining our relationship long distance. It sure had its challenges. We've seen each other about 6 times, but that included 2 amazing trip to Key West, and the time we were forced to talk helped with developing a strong mental and emotional connection, also took the pressure of sexuality away for a while.
As time went by we decided that I'm going to move when my lease is up in December. October rolled in and I knew I had to make corrections to Robert before I left. I did not want to leave the door open, neither close it by force, wanted to do that right too. I wrote what I had to, but I was sitting on it for a while, debating when would be the best time to send. Then one night I just hit send and that started communication, which lasted for about 2 weeks long. That communication took toll on me physically as well as emotionally. It was important, I believe it ended positively too, but seeing Robert turning into the man I pictured him to be so long ago was very moving, and I struggled with the idea of turning my back on everything and partner up with him. That would not have been right. Not only I have made a commitment elsewhere, but there's no guarantee for anything with him. I distrust him with myself just as much as he distrusts me. And I can't be surprised for the situation, we both made our beds with one another.
During this communication, I've distanced myself from Terry, he still witnessed the effects. We had a little episode, which we did discuss and figured out what's what, and that opened my eyes, there are issues he didn't deal with and they have to be taken care of, or I can't move. But so eye opening, my picker does go for the co-dependent men, he may be not as severe as Robert, but he sure is. Because of what I've been dealing with, and how I came through, he decided to start CR in his town, and he felt at home, already started a step study, and very excited about it. I'm glad that we decided together, this is not the right time to move. I've signed another lease, I keep doing my program, and with transparency from each end, we will see where this road will take us.
This past month really brought some lessons home. I started out on the wrong foot with Terry, but I came clean about it and we're trying to correct the foundation, so what we're building will be strong. An addict and a co-dependent, the 2 side of the coin, they can make an awesome whole, as long as they BOTH work, separately and together. Maybe I was put in his life to show how to get rid of old hurts, habits and hung ups. Also, on the personal level, there's only room for 1 man in my life. If I make a commitment one way, I can't even think of another one, unless the 1st one is cleared 100% off my plate.
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