On November 15th I received an email from Robert, in which he expressed a strong need of wanting to talk to me. From the sound of the mail I assumed something may be wrong, but wasn't sure at all what to expect, but because of the kindness he has shown me before when I was in need and because I do care about him, I have agreed to a face to face meeting. We met up at the church's parking lot by my complex and he asked me just listen to him. He first started out with a story about a woman he's talking to. She's clearly troubled in his opinion and he defined with clear details her cycles and bad decisions. Then he changed to himself, abandonment issues and the origin of it, and the commitment he has made to his recovery. Then lastly I became the subject, where he expressed his perspective of my situation, in a nutshell, red flags, some explained, a misunderstanding, explained, and some MOs, which were very true in my past, how I used to be.
I listened to everything with open mind and open heart, I could understand his reasoning, even though I know how I lived my life now, they didn't apply. But I really did understand him, and I have tried to communicate that. Unfortunately my words don't worth much, so me trying to explain my life now doesn't mean any proof to anything. And I don't see any possibility to Robert witness my everyday life. And when it was my turn, I expressed that in my opinion what he just did, giving me unsolicited "advice" is crossing boundary, both his and mine. Then before we parted he asked me what did I mean by saying that I'm afraid of him. Even though it got me emotional, and of course I was already effected by the conversation, I tried my best to explain to him. I'm not sure what he was expecting, but it seemed he was not able to accept my answer. I have walked away rather sad, thinking maybe it was wrong to meet.
The next day, as digesting started, it occurred to me, he mentioned that Sylvia may end up moving in my complex, as he asked me to let him know when I'm gone, I realized, I would like to have heads up about that too. I rather be prepared for the possibility of running into her. He agreed, with the extra information of trying to make this the last resort, without telling her why. I believe that is completely wrong, and I have expressed that with full explanation. Sylvia has the right to have full disclosure about this fact, she may not want to move here at all, figuring it out last minute may make her feel she's forced into a situation, running into me unprepared would for sure remind her of years of troubles that has effected Robert, her, and her kids, and may cause unnecessary conflict between them. In his reply he went off subject, suddenly talking about him and I crossing paths, which I found very odd, and I did say so, we have discussed the likelihood of that when he told me about the move. Then about an hour later I received this:
"OK,
Here it is, I think. I realize that I gave you some power yesterday that I shouldn't have (asking you for something I knew you wouldn't give me). That was Coda of me and wrong. I know all I need to know about anything between us. I was overwhelmed by the "child of the crack whore" thing. And since then (yesterday) have suffered the consequences of MY behavior. So I should have answered the only question you asked and not put in that other stuff. I mismanaged my emotions and I apologize for that. Shouldn't have. There. 
No need for reply.... we're good now."
I have not replied. But I have been digesting it and I'm a bit confused, but I know that most likely I'm never going to be able to clear up this last confusion.
At first I thought that this was "simply" a relapse, he should have offered clearer explanation when asked to talk, but there I made a mistake too, I should have requested a clearer explanation myself. But it is a fact, he shouldn't try to give me his opinion, unless I've asked for it. But then I get the last email and I really wasn't sure what was Robert asking me for. The only straight question was why am I afraid of him? So questions pop up in my mind. Was the story of that woman suppose to be how he sees me? Was the part about the crack whore and child how he feels about me? Recalling our conversation again, there was nothing he asked me for that I wouldn't give. I don't see anything that was said clearly and directly to me to hold any requests. Then I look behind the stories, as they make sense to me, and I wonder again, was he asking me for time, or to stay? And as much as it's desirable for me to know those answers, I can't ask him. It is the same old feeling, not knowing exactly what he wants, what he means. For years, I've never bothered to ask him for clarification, now I can't. I will have to just leave it at what he told me, "No need for reply.... we're good now"
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